I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
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Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
relationship goals
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*