I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
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Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
You think God hates crosses?
If my kid died on a roller coaster, then everyone started wearing roller coaster necklaces, I’d be pissed.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
In 20 years, I bet there’s going to be a college course called eye contact.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
ME: hey dad will ya pass the peas
DAD: say please
ME: hey dad will ya pass the please
DAD: *tears up so hard*
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”