@JohnLyonTweets

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

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@abbycohenwl

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

@Coastiefish

You think God hates crosses?

If my kid died on a roller coaster, then everyone started wearing roller coaster necklaces, I’d be pissed.

@FredTaming

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

@jjhartinger

In 20 years, I bet there’s going to be a college course called eye contact.

@3sunzzz

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

@_ElvishPresley_

[Thanksgiving]
ME: hey dad will ya pass the peas
DAD: say please
ME: hey dad will ya pass the please
DAD: *tears up so hard*

@KentWGraham

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”