I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
You Might Also Like
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.