I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
I subscribe to Groupon because it’s good to know which nearby restaurants have mediocre food & will probably be out of business soon.
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Rob Zombie is a good musician but also a great way to make money when the undead rise from their graves
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
“We’ll see” = We’re not gonna see.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I don’t post nudes cuz I don’t want to be responsible for y’alls heart failure.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.