How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
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“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.