@KenJennings

I subscribe to Groupon because it’s good to know which nearby restaurants have mediocre food & will probably be out of business soon.

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@aissalanis

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

@SortaBad

Rob Zombie is a good musician but also a great way to make money when the undead rise from their graves

@pilau

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

@chuuew

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

@piled

“We’ll see” = We’re not gonna see.

@dadmann_walking

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

@turtledumplin

I don’t post nudes cuz I don’t want to be responsible for y’alls heart failure.

@De_ja_vu_who

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

@mommajessiec

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*