I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
You Might Also Like
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.