You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
You Might Also Like
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
How about daylight saves us for once
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I’ll be mad as hell!
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????