I suck at video games. I mess up the character’s life like I have my own. I played Mario today and he ended up $60K in debt and had 4 DUIs.

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corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn


I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem



Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin


I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.


Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”

Barista: …

Barista: …

Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”


“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”


eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft


I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.


[on a date]

“I usually don’t do this but..”

*runs out on date so she has to pay*