@aaronnemo

I suck at video games. I mess up the character’s life like I have my own. I played Mario today and he ended up $60K in debt and had 4 DUIs.

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@bIondiewasabi

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

@pleatedjeans

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

@noog

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

@JessObsess

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

@peachesanscream

Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”

Barista: …

Barista: …

Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”

@OtherDanOBrien

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

@itcorru

eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft

@Ophelia_808

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

@CooIStepDad

[on a date]

“I usually don’t do this but..”

*runs out on date so she has to pay*