I suck at video games. I mess up the character’s life like I have my own. I played Mario today and he ended up $60K in debt and had 4 DUIs.

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I remember a friend asking me why I had a bottle of wine in my car, I said I got it for my wife…
He said good trade…


I like to combine danger with awkwardness by falling up stairs.


him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar


Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date


If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?


Mission Impossible? He’s done four of them now. Let’s call it “Mission Pretty Hard but Ultimately Doable”


Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.


[first day as a lion tamer]

me: don’t worry i totally researched this…

ring master: um ok

me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING