@aaronnemo

I suck at video games. I mess up the character’s life like I have my own. I played Mario today and he ended up $60K in debt and had 4 DUIs.

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@Deurb1

I remember a friend asking me why I had a bottle of wine in my car, I said I got it for my wife…
He said good trade…

@IEatChawal

I like to combine danger with awkwardness by falling up stairs.

@junejuly12

him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar

@jurndan

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

@gfishandnuggets

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

@RastaHipsta

Mission Impossible? He’s done four of them now. Let’s call it “Mission Pretty Hard but Ultimately Doable”

@WilliamAder

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

@CAshmanActor

[first day as a lion tamer]

me: don’t worry i totally researched this…

ring master: um ok

me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING