I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

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[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.


It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get


Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.


I gently slid her panties to the side….

so that I cud fit the rest of her socks in the drawer.


son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters


ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.


Wish someone would invent a device that would allow me to speak instead of having to text back and forth 30 times to get my point across.


I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.


If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.