@goldengateblond

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

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@ObscureGent

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

@anerdonfire2

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

@reallifemommy3

Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.

@i_wantMyBiitch

I gently slid her panties to the side….

so that I cud fit the rest of her socks in the drawer.

@seamussaid

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

@ianpauldukes

ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.

@DeanOkay

Wish someone would invent a device that would allow me to speak instead of having to text back and forth 30 times to get my point across.

@joeljeffrey

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

@JohnFugelsang

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.