The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
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Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..