Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
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Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
*Witnesses an awkward moment* starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I’m trying to kill mosquitoes*
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
If I’m ever being chased by a giraffe I’m gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what’s best for me
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
“you yelled ‘this is not my daddy!’ when i picked you up to leave the store. you’re lucky i let you live”
-how dad signs my birthday cards
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Two cans of Red Bull may give you x-ray vision, but five cans give you the ability to hear oxygen.