I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
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Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”