@JermHimselfish

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

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@HuggyOnline

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

@jimSarbh

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

@romiza_

*Witnesses an awkward moment* starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I’m trying to kill mosquitoes*

@withanewname

*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”

@AmberTozer

If I’m ever being chased by a giraffe I’m gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what’s best for me

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

@iwearaonesie

“you yelled ‘this is not my daddy!’ when i picked you up to leave the store. you’re lucky i let you live”

-how dad signs my birthday cards

@TuffyNyC

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

@histwaddle

Two cans of Red Bull may give you x-ray vision, but five cans give you the ability to hear oxygen.