I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
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He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”