Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
You Might Also Like
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
sign your emails with “best regrets” and see if they notice
My relationships are like pharmaceutical ads. Promising at first, but they end with a string of dire warnings I wish I’d listened to.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
me: clean your room
(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*
And now we wait.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Do you have FB?
Do you have Twitter?
What do you have?
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.