I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

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Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.


Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands


Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.


sign your emails with “best regrets” and see if they notice


My relationships are like pharmaceutical ads. Promising at first, but they end with a string of dire warnings I wish I’d listened to.


My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.


me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.


Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.

Whiskey: Yes you can.


Do you have FB?
Do you have Twitter?
What do you have?
A life.

Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.