I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
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The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Pickled cat.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.