I suggest now is the time to send ISIS some *very* strongly worded emails – then hit them with the biggest petition they’ve ever seen.

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if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship


Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.


[Enter Password]
[Password weak. Password accepted, but system cannot respect you.]


*getting married

Priest: will you love & honor her?
Me: I will
Her: [whispers to priest]
Priest: and leave your phone unlocked?
Me: I’m out


Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.


At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.


I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.


Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.


I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.