@GodfreyElfwick

I suggest now is the time to send ISIS some *very* strongly worded emails – then hit them with the biggest petition they’ve ever seen.

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@dubstep4dads

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

@papasuncle

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

@Home_Halfway

[Enter Password]
abc1234
[Password weak. Password accepted, but system cannot respect you.]

@TheQuietPsycho

*getting married

Priest: will you love & honor her?
Me: I will
Her: [whispers to priest]
Priest: and leave your phone unlocked?
Me: I’m out

@plumbur

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

@MatCro

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

@NintenDom

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

@schumoo

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

@Gupton68

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.