I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
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Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Thoughts
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”