I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
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Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Me irl
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
🙄😏😂🤣
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?