I support legalized marijuana because if everyone else is stoned I can trick them out of money.

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How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?


Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.


I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.


Doctor: i’m afraid we lost your father

Me: *tearing up* oh no

Doctor: don’t worry we’ll find him

Me: omg i thought –

Doctor: now if I were a dead body, where would I be?


Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.


*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?


[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix


me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it


The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.