I support legalized marijuana because if everyone else is stoned I can trick them out of money.
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How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Doctor: i’m afraid we lost your father
Me: *tearing up* oh no
Doctor: don’t worry we’ll find him
Me: omg i thought –
Doctor: now if I were a dead body, where would I be?
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*looks at audience*
So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.