Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
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Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Word!
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”