I support this random dude and all his protests
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What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.