I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
You Might Also Like
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Awesome parenting 😂
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*