I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
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My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.