My friends car got stolen and was handed back littered with evidence of drugs.
Great, now a car is having a more interesting life than I.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
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Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Folks, what’s the deal with Stuart Little. Husband and wife go to an adoption agency and they give them a rat in a sweater. Surely illegal
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I wonder if there’s a giant cucumber out there thinking about me too.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.