I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

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My friends car got stolen and was handed back littered with evidence of drugs.

Great, now a car is having a more interesting life than I.


Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree


My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat


Folks, what’s the deal with Stuart Little. Husband and wife go to an adoption agency and they give them a rat in a sweater. Surely illegal


Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?


Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.


Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.