I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
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Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes