@ColoChiver

I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I’m not a shopaholic.

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@WilliamAder

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

@Fred_Delicious

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

@E_lok44

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

@Chumpstring

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

@amandajpanda

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

@sullivem

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

@runawaycupcake

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

@shutupmikeginn

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

@iGreenMonk

I’m so embarrassed. I just learned that that Pringles holder on my treadmill is for water bottles!