I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
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Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
My neck my back my allergy attack
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.