[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
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A new breed of stupid…
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it’s only because I have bad aim.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.