I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
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-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Hilarious if literal: arms race
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*