Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@bourgeoisalien

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

@DaddyJew

7: I didn’t do my homework

Me: why not?

7: they told us to write about the new president

Me: so?

7: you told me not to cuss

@JediGigi

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

@jazmasta

*sits at bar and loosens tie after a tough day at the office*
Bartender: Usual?
Me: Make it a large one
Bartender: One large milk coming up

@unravelingfire

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

@MoistPork

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

@EndhooS

[Opens hand sanitiser]
?????? ???? ????
?? ??????? ???? ????
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

@BLoveAffair

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

@Book_Krazy

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

@Eden_Eats

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.