I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
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Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Him: “I killed the spider for you. He suffered.”
Me: ( slowly turns around in swivel chair) “Splendid.”
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.