@michel_lesann

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

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@birbigs

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

@bylinetd

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

@UnFitz

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

@KalvinMacleod

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

@SlappNuttz

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

@AmishPornStar1

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

@IvyelleWright

Him: “I killed the spider for you. He suffered.”

Me: ( slowly turns around in swivel chair) “Splendid.”

@80sjams

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.