I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
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They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Phones down.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!