I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
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*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Expect the unexporcupine.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Sing it!
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…