@ltsSoFunny
I’m your father ……
Noooo !!
@TheDairylandDon
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
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@ltsSoFunny
@GBRougecity
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
@ADDiane
[the middle of showering] I need a break
@slimmy_shady
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
@Sickayduh
One advantage The Monkees had over The Beatles was the opposable thumb
@iGreenGod
I tried looking at life through the eyes of a child …
… but then the child wanted his eyes back.
@missekay
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
@RobDenBleyker
Someone please help me with my pope resume, so far all I have is “I look fantastic in large hats.”
@T_Bonezzz_
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
@FriedWords
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.