I’m your father ……
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
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I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
One advantage The Monkees had over The Beatles was the opposable thumb
I tried looking at life through the eyes of a child …
… but then the child wanted his eyes back.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Someone please help me with my pope resume, so far all I have is “I look fantastic in large hats.”
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.