@TheDairylandDon

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

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@GBRougecity

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

@slimmy_shady

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

@Sickayduh

One advantage The Monkees had over The Beatles was the opposable thumb

@iGreenGod

I tried looking at life through the eyes of a child …

… but then the child wanted his eyes back.

@missekay

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

@RobDenBleyker

Someone please help me with my pope resume, so far all I have is “I look fantastic in large hats.”

@T_Bonezzz_

[Movie: Romance]

Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!

Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…

Him: K… forget it…

@FriedWords

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.