I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
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I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Mothers just don鈥檛 eat their young like they used to.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
KATY PERRY: 馃幎 baby you鈥檙e a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY鈥橲 DOG: I hate this song
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]: