@AJ_VanFossen

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

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@3sunzzz

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

@CAshmanActor

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

@farleftcoast

The recent fake excitement of soccer in the U.S. confirms my belief that Americans will pretend to like anything they can scream USA about.

@Reverend_Scott

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

@doktorj

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

@Hobo_Splendido

[the first simple organisms drag themselves from the primordial swamp]

Her: my elbows are dry

@CulturedRuffian

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

@AmishPornStar1

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…