I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

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Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.


Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.


[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom


[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.


I just burped and fogged my glasses up. Line forms to the left ladies.


Forget sex positions, has anyone found a reading position that doesn’t get uncomfortable after about 5 minutes?


genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why


Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]


Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.