
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I just burped and fogged my glasses up. Line forms to the left ladies.
Forget sex positions, has anyone found a reading position that doesn’t get uncomfortable after about 5 minutes?
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.