Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
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How do you call a meerkat?
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
The recent fake excitement of soccer in the U.S. confirms my belief that Americans will pretend to like anything they can scream USA about.
Any last requests?
“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
[the first simple organisms drag themselves from the primordial swamp]
Her: my elbows are dry
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…