@scot4bz

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

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@DrakeGatsby

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

@bridger_w

For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties

@refreshingslurp

Me, a magician: we never reveal our secrets

Him: no seriously where is my insulin

@RdrJay47

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

@Orchidano

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

@dshack8

First Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid gets their head stuck in something, make sure you get your camera before you help them get it out.

@OMGSoOverIt

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

@IamEveryDayPpl

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

@TedBundybitch

When I was younger I wanted to rule the world. Now I just want to spell words close enough that autocorrect can figure out what I’m saying

@KrunkedRobot

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.