Wedding rehearsals, because ruining your life takes practice.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
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WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I’m great in bed; I can sleep for days.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Wondering why we have 50 candidates for Miss America, but only 2 for president. Also, why no swimsuit competition?
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Maybe if I answer the door naked the pizza delivery guy won’t realize I paid with Monopoly money.