Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
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[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I wish my job was more like a video game. In order to be promoted to the next level, all I’d need to do is kill the boss.
If you’re in a bar and a newscaster says, “Police report the killer left a small doll at the scene,” don’t shout, “It was an action figure!”
GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! DID YOU KNOW THAT FROSTED FLAKES DON’T TASTE HALF BAD WITH RED BULL INSTEAD OF MILK? I THINK I’LL RUN TO WORK TODAY!
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating