@scot4bz

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

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@Underchilde

Wedding rehearsals, because ruining your life takes practice.

@GianDoh

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

@Donna_McCoy

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

@kieransofar

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

@clarkekant

Wondering why we have 50 candidates for Miss America, but only 2 for president. Also, why no swimsuit competition?

@House_Feminist

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

@yoyoha

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

@darksidedeb

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

@Awesomemom10

Maybe if I answer the door naked the pizza delivery guy won’t realize I paid with Monopoly money.