
Wedding rehearsals, because ruining your life takes practice.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Wedding rehearsals, because ruining your life takes practice.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I’m great in bed; I can sleep for days.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Wondering why we have 50 candidates for Miss America, but only 2 for president. Also, why no swimsuit competition?
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Maybe if I answer the door naked the pizza delivery guy won’t realize I paid with Monopoly money.