ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
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For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Me, a magician: we never reveal our secrets
Him: no seriously where is my insulin
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
First Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid gets their head stuck in something, make sure you get your camera before you help them get it out.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
When I was younger I wanted to rule the world. Now I just want to spell words close enough that autocorrect can figure out what I’m saying
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.