@scot4bz

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

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@Reverend_Scott

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

@bonehugsnirony

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

@wildethingy

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

@chuuew

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

@Nrvous1

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

@juliasegal

Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.

@Nickadoo

I wish my job was more like a video game. In order to be promoted to the next level, all I’d need to do is kill the boss.

@rolldiggity

If you’re in a bar and a newscaster says, “Police report the killer left a small doll at the scene,” don’t shout, “It was an action figure!”

@shkeeber

GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! DID YOU KNOW THAT FROSTED FLAKES DON’T TASTE HALF BAD WITH RED BULL INSTEAD OF MILK? I THINK I’LL RUN TO WORK TODAY!

@mom_ontherocks

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating