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I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat