Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.
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-Do you take drugs?
-Ever tried them?
-You seem very nervous.
-I’m just not used to being questioned by a unicorn.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
me: I’m tired
Medieval Physician: Ok I’m gonna cut you open to drain your blood
me: Maybe I could rest
MP: haha no I’m cutting your veins
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.