@Steelers1972

I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.

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@samuelhlowe

-Do you take drugs?
-No.
-Ever tried them?
-Never.
-You seem very nervous.
-I’m just not used to being questioned by a unicorn.

@Amusitr0n

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

@GingerHotDish

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

@gaurav_verma23

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

@iamspacegirl

me: I’m tired

Medieval Physician: Ok I’m gonna cut you open to drain your blood

me: Maybe I could rest

MP: haha no I’m cutting your veins

@BGH70

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.

@UncleDuke1969

“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”

“Omphalophobia.”

“Why do you know that?!?”

“I studied at the Navel Academy.”

@AnchorsAviators

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.