We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
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Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
i love meeting boys on tinder
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.