@Black__Elvis: My favorite episode of Friends is the one where blacks mysteriously vanish and unemployed white people find affordable housing in Manhattan.

@lauratnelson: My mom: wow it’s so nice of Jeff to watch your kids for the next few days while you’re gone Me: yes, he is very excited to continue to be a father

@mijamtweets: My five-year plan? Well, I'd like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

@djdarrellripley: Oh, please... A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it's a cult!

@JoParkerBear: Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn't over. It's just beginning! Me: *sobs even harder