7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
I swapped my wife’s tampons with party poppers. Absolutely no sense of humour that girl..
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Her: “What are we?”
Me: “We aren’t.”
Are you serious? It’s hard to tell because of all the botox.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
May the Force be Mass times Acceleration.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again