I swapped my wife’s tampons with party poppers. Absolutely no sense of humour that girl..

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Me: Same


Are you serious? It’s hard to tell because of all the botox.


[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther


Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?


Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.


Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again