@myles_morrison: People with profile pictures of their kids. Stop it. All I can think is, why are these toddlers trying to add me on facebook?

@LindaInDisguise: My kid is almost old enough for social media so we'll need to have "the talk" soon. You know, about your/you're and their/there/they're.

@NYC_Blonde: I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I'll be used to sharing the bed

@TheReal_AndyMac: When a woman says, "We need to talk", it's no good. Never has a woman said, "We need to talk" and followed it up with "about pillow forts".

@MelvinofYork: My mom used to say "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" and I'd be like "I've already got something, but thanks"