@TheCamelToe_

I swapped my wife’s tampons with party poppers. Absolutely no sense of humour that girl..

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@TheCatWhisprer

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

@hippieswordfish

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

@TweetPotato314

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

@HisDulcinea

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

@dannyboy7813

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

@Playing_Dad

[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail

@nettie0918

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

@JermHimselfish

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

@GamerPres2020

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

@Kamikaze_Blonde

Sure your baby’s cute but have you ever seen a chihuahua with the hiccups?