Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
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If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS