I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
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Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday