I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

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What do we want?

When do we want them?


I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.


They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.


Cop: do you know why I was following you?
Me: WAS following? Wait you unfollowed me?
Me… Is it cause of the drugs?


Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.


I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….


America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.


Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day


Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?