Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
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2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
when someone rings the doorbell
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*