Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
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ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Lmfaoooooo
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily