Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper “yolo” as he reached for a chisel…
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It’s bad when you accidentally tell a 9 year-old child, “Stay in drugs, don’t do school” in a serious tone.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
ME: there was so much blood
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
GROUND CONTROL: *throws headset* I lost him, sir
*my voice cuts in on radio*
Hello?..Sorry I was drafting a tweet..How do I fly the plane