I swear I heard my dentist whisper “yolo” as he reached for a chisel…

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Am I in the Mile High Club if I jerk off under a blanket on a plane? Just kidding, United doesn’t have blankets.

Sorry lady in seat 21B


Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.


Guy: “Do you have a lighter?”
Me: “Yep”
Guy: “You smoke?”
Me: “No, you just never know when you’re gonna need to light someone on fire.”


Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.


Twitter comedian: I’m the greatest tweeter alive!
Kanye: Even I don’t want that title.


Just Checked my voicemail. I forgot to buy milk 3 years ago.


We go on a date. I order mozzarella sticks. You watch as I put nine of them in my mouth at once. You think this bodes well for later. It doesn’t. I am lactose intolerant.