I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
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Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Lucky old June.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
thank god