I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
You Might Also Like
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I put the mess in domestic.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that