(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
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10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work