I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
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If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.