I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
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[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”