I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
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If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
This meal prepping shit is easy
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.