Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
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America is getting murder hornets
Canada is getting I said good day sir! *puts top hat back on rather more forcefully than is necessary* hornets
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
boy they weren’t kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can’t stop eating these things!!
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?