@Rohit_And_Run

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

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@KateWhineHall

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

@eslpaul

America is getting murder hornets

Canada is getting I said good day sir! *puts top hat back on rather more forcefully than is necessary* hornets

@bridger_w

If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”

@funflaps

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

@OllyiConic

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

@LostFelicia

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

@VintageKriner

“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

@lunchmane

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

@hippieswordfish

boy they weren’t kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can’t stop eating these things!!

@DaddyJew

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?