I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
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Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
dutch so unserious
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me