I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
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whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?