So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
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just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
My spirit animal is fried chicken
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…