I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

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Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.


Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant


We should let prisoners take their own mug shots…I shall call it “The cellfie”


I was going to do the dishes but they weren’t in the mood.


In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident


I don’t wear tight skirts because I’m flirty, I wear tight skirts because they used to fit.

*eats another Oreo*


*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel


the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates


Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.