I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

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[Tornado siren blaring]

Wife: Let’s go to the basement.

Me: There will be no line at Pizza Hut buffet.


Me: I’ll bring you a salad.


My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.


[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further


I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler


Jesus: “Is it time for the second coming yet dad?”

God: “I’ll just give Kanye the Holy Spirit. Already thinks he’s me.”



God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.



Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming