@cheers27402373
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
@GrantTanaka
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
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@cheers27402373
@Bob_Janke
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
@hammbone84
[Tornado siren blaring]
Wife: Let’s go to the basement.
Me: There will be no line at Pizza Hut buffet.
Wife:
Me: I’ll bring you a salad.
@BradBroaddus
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
@FrazzleMyGimp
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
@BatBatshitcrazy
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
@DumbConfessions
Jesus: “Is it time for the second coming yet dad?”
God: “I’ll just give Kanye the Holy Spirit. Already thinks he’s me.”
Both: “LOLOLOLOL”
@NewDadNotes
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
@JustinAHorwitz
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
@figgled
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming