I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
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new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore