I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
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I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer