Wilderness survival tip #32: To deter bears from attacking your tent, simply sprinkle your neighbor’s campsite with bacon powder.
I swear to holy hell, Aunt Pat, I would rather lick a midget’s taint than accept your invitation to play Lucky Slots.
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Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Help with the chores. #WhatCatsDoWhileWeSleep
Lassie, get help!
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
7y:why are you putting make up on?
Me:to look nicer
7y:when does it start working?
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening