@Shock_Monster

I swear to holy hell, Aunt Pat, I would rather lick a midget’s taint than accept your invitation to play Lucky Slots.

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@SkunkRiverNPS

Wilderness survival tip #32: To deter bears from attacking your tent, simply sprinkle your neighbor’s campsite with bacon powder.

@Garblemarble

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

@TEXASVETERAN

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

@Marlebean

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

@MissNaughty1801

7y:why are you putting make up on?
Me:to look nicer
7y:when does it start working?

@Thynebear

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

@BoogTweets

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening