There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
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Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”