@ch000ch

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring

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@__candypants

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

@jwoodham

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

@roxiqt

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

@omerwahaj

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

@kyry5

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

@ArfMeasures

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

@ceejoyner

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

@TrendsZim

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

@underchilde

You could probably master Mandarin while waiting on the last bit of laundry detergent to drizzle into the cap.