Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
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Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
You could probably master Mandarin while waiting on the last bit of laundry detergent to drizzle into the cap.