@Elifcello

I switched my cellphone to ‘airplane mode’ and threw it up into the air.. must tell you: WORST. TRANSFORMER. EVER.

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@jumpdashark

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

@rockymomax

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

@JohnFugelsang

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

@DropsNoPanties

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

@ACartoonCat

Them: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘

Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.

Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉

Them: …many, many laws.

@matt___nelson

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*