Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
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Happy Thanksgiving
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
watergate? u mean a dam??
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.