@Elifcello

I switched my cellphone to ‘airplane mode’ and threw it up into the air.. must tell you: WORST. TRANSFORMER. EVER.

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@PleaseBeGneiss

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

?: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

@QwertyJones3

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

@sarcasticmommy4

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

@OctopusCaveman

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

@LindaInDisguise

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

@tsm560

Received DM of the day:

Them: Why are you so angry?

Me: Why are you so stupid?

@WhaJoTalkinBout

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

@ThePocketJustin

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.

@just1fool

Don’t ever talk to me in an elevator. It will just be uncomfortable. I don’t want to be put in that position. With my hand over your mouth.