I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
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A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes